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Dear Moneyist,
My parents are currently trying to “help” my 29-year-old brother by allowing him to move out to their new beach house and subsidizing his rent so he can get a fresh start in life.
My parents have always seemed to favor my brother, and I was finally able to heal and move on from the hurt a few years ago. I am two years younger and my husband and I have our own house, own two new cars, and have two stable incomes.
I have worked for everything that I have in life, and I am grateful for how I was raised because being forced to earn everything, including my parents affection, has allowed me to have the life I do now
My parents have always supported my brother emotionally and financially. They currently pay for his phone plan, his cell phone, his car loan — after he totalled his last car two weeks ago — and now his rent.
“ ‘My parents are encouraging me to NOT get my master’s degree because it’s useless and would make my brother feel worse.’ ”
This used to make me very jealous, but I have learned that it’s their money, and I don’t have any say over how they spend it so it shouldn’t bother me. In their defense, they try to be fair by giving my husband and I things they no longer use (etc. washer, ceiling fans, refrigerator).
We appreciate this, and tell them frequently. While I no longer harvest jealousy or pain towards how much more devotion and money is spent on my brother, I am concerned about how he can survive without them.
He depends on them for almost everything in life. They are encouraging him to move to get a fresh start on their dime instead of taking a leap and getting an apartment. They are doing this because they didn’t want him to have a mortgage.
Meanwhile, I am finishing my accounting degree before sitting for the CPA (my husband and I are paying 100%), and my parents are encouraging me to NOT get my master’s degree because it’s useless and would make my brother feel worse. They say that we are already married and have a house so why do we need more.
I bite my tongue regularly to keep from insulting all of them, especially my brother, but I am becoming increasingly worried that my parents are doing irreparable damage by not letting my brother try and fail on his own, and supporting him financially when he has been gainfully employed for at least 5 years.
Am I being ridiculous — or is this something I should bring up to them?
Worried Sister
Quentin Fottrell is MarketWatch’s Moneyist columnist. You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. Want to read more?Follow Quentin Fottrell on Twitterand read more of his columns here.
Dear Worried,
You are concerned about the co-dependent relationship between your brother and parents, and wonder how you can fix it. But you are also in a co-dependent relationship with your brother and parents. It is still triggering for you after all these years. You have moved on.
You have a husband and a home, a career, and your own life, but this still preoccupies your mind. Your desire to do something about it and/or watch with worry (and not a small amount of irritation) from the sidelines is also a form of co-dependency.
It’s their relationship, their money, their flaws, their lifelong pattern of behavior and, ultimately, they choose to participate. Maybe it makes your parents feel good to help out your brother and it’s their form of attachment. I don’t know. You won’t change them.
I agree that your brother will get a wake-up call if they predecease him, but he will have an inheritance to keep him above board. I also agree that it’s worth mentioning that they won’t always be around, and paying his bills won’t help him become self-sufficient.
They may want to explore a trust so your brother has an income after they’re gone, to help him manage his money. From what you say, your brother could be the type of person to blow an inheritance faster than a dog in a sausage factory. But now I’m getting too involved too!
Say your piece, and resolve not to discuss it unless your parents are seeking solutions. A complaint without a solution is a problem, and no-one wants to bear witness to other people’s problems if (a) they don’t wish to fix them and (b) they don’t believe a problem exists.
This “worry” you feel — and annoyance, if we’re being frank — is just a more acceptable and seemingly altruistic form of co-dependency. Let them at it. They are living their lives the way they want to live them. They need each other or, at least, they believe they do.
You need to draw a line between you and this co-dependent trifecta. Your parents comments discouraging you from pursuing further education based on your brother’s failure to launch is probably the most unwelcome and unhealthy part of this story.
Instilling the expectation in a child that they can be anything and do anything is probably one of the most important tasks a parent has, but you don’t need to discuss your CPA exam with your folks and, if you feel like their comments are inappropriate, say so.
Picture a green hedge separating you and your childhood family, with a garden gate at the center. The hedge will keep out interfering comments from them, and help prevent you from spying on what’s going on next door. Use that gate selectively.
You have your own personal, educational and financial goals. Focus on those instead.
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