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As more of us work from home, nosiness is the new normal.
Under stay-at-home orders, we spend the workday engaged in video meetings and phone calls. These conversations unfold a bit differently these days: They often begin with a personal exchange (“Are you staying safe?”) as we reveal more of ourselves—and our private life—before shifting to the business at hand.
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Yet for many people who value their privacy, these preliminary check-ins are not entirely welcome. We may not want to open up about our fears, fatigue or family dynamics.
Responding to personal inquiries with a curt “I’m fine” can come across as standoffish. In the last few months, we’ve grown accustomed to expect at least a minimal level of personal disclosure from each other: We provide a few details about our current health status and how we’re faring at home under unusual circumstances.
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But just how personal should we get with our co-workers?
Striking the right balance between showing wide-ranging concern for others and focusing on job-related matters requires a keen sense of empathy and timing, especially when we’re working remotely. Too much chitchat about your cat can deplete precious minutes of your colleagues’ time. But plunging too quickly into work issues can make you seem coldhearted or oblivious to the pandemic.
“You want to be mindful and cognizant that everyone’s going through their own emotional and physical challenges,” said Ariel Schur, founder and chief executive of ABS Staffing Solutions in New York City. “You also want to establish clear boundaries. With everyone transitioning to Zoom [meetings], lines are more blurred.”
Schur holds frequent video meetings with about 12 employees. She sets two ground rules for these sessions:
1. Each staffer should opt for a uniform, neutral background to avoid visual distractions.
2. Everyone needs to dress appropriately.
“They don’t have to dress up,” she said. “But we have employees of all ages, including single moms, working remotely. I want all of them to feel comfortable” while focusing on their professional responsibilities.
During her daily check-in meetings, Schur starts by saying, “Hope you’re all doing well. You can always send me a private message if not.” Then she dives into the rest of the agenda.
“I think it’s important to let someone set aside a separate time to discuss their well-being,” she said. “When we’re all together on a business call, we have a structure and things to discuss like our [business] goals.”
Depending on your organizational culture, providing a glimpse of your home during a video chat can bring you closer to colleagues. They may remark on everything from your artwork to dirty dishes to window treatments.
“One person’s prying is another person’s inquiring,” said Deborah Grayson Riegel, founder and chief executive of Talk Support, a coaching firm in Hewlett, N.Y. She adds that “good-natured teasing” can solidify bonds and re-create the human connection that participants forge around the office water cooler.
Yet she cautions that making observations about a co-worker’s private domain can backfire. As a test, she suggests that you think before you speak and ask yourself, “Would I say this if I were there in person?”
What if you’re on the receiving end of unwelcome teasing from snooping co-workers?
A little polite assertiveness can go a long way.
“Give feedback while assuming positive intent,” said Riegel, co-author of “Overcoming Overthinking.” For example, she suggests replying, “I assume you were just teasing about my messy place. But it’s a reminder that I’m in over my head.”
Kick off videoconferences by allowing participants to chime in about their personal situation, as long as you limit such sharing so that it doesn’t get out of hand. Riegel recommends concise check-ins based on “three words that capture how you’re feeling right now” or “what you’re looking forward to this weekend.”
“We often think of small talk as meaningless chatter to build some rapport or kill time before a key decision maker shows up at the meeting,” she said. “Right now, small talk is a big deal. Checking in, and really listening to what you hear, is really important. But it’s also important to give people a chance to pass if they prefer to be private or feel too vulnerable to open up.”
