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I didn’t expect to get emotionally ambushed when I checked my email, but the subject lines sucker-punched me without warning.
“Moms Are A Gift … So Give Them The Best.”
“Give Mom A Gift Card!”
And my favorite: “Don’t Forget Mom!”
Please. I’ve been mourning her for four years now, and not a day goes by where something doesn’t remind me of the underground music-loving, cocktail-mixing, hard-working ER nurse and mother of four named Lydia who fought lung cancer with every ounce of her strength.
The author and her mother, Lydia.
I have been trying to forget Mother’s Day, however, now that I don’t have this special lady to treat to brunch, send flowers or FaceTime anymore. But it’s hard to escape. Mother’s Day is the third-biggest retail holiday in the U.S., and Americans are expected to spend a record $26.7 billion on their moms this year, according to the National Retail Federation — in spite of (or perhaps because of) the coronavirus pandemic keeping many families apart. Hallmark estimates people will send 113 million Mother’s Day cards. So the mother of all well-meaning, well-oiled marketing machines is bombarding our inboxes, social media pages, websites and TV shows this time of year — which is really hard on the kids grieving our moms.
And many, many more families are facing a difficult Mother’s Day this year, as more than 71,000 Americans and counting have succumbed to COVID-19.
“The first year after I lost my mom, I remember rolling my eyes at all the ads, deleting all the emails before I really read them, or changing the channel, and being like, ‘Will it ever end!’” said Jessica Buckley, 39, from Long Island, whose mother also died from cancer seven years ago.
“It’s a tough time,” agreed Simona Rosekelly, 35, in D.C., who lost her mother seven years ago. “The sales ads, commercials, you try turn a blind eye to … but then everyone updates their FB, +1.26% profile pics to show their moms, or posts pics of mom. I just go to ground on the day of, avoid social media. All I can do is distract myself.”
The author and her mother, Lydia.
What’s more, some people could also find themselves grieving in isolation this year. Kristin Bianchi, a licensed psychologist at the Center for Anxiety and Behavioral Change, told MarketWatch that the coronavirus makes the grieving process feel “even lonelier” than it already is, “because we don’t have access to the type of physical contact and support upon which we rely to get through times of loss.”
So she encourages those in mourning during the pandemic to “let people in” as much as possible, even if that means calling someone or Skyping someone to just sit and cry.
Read more:Grieving in the midst of the coronavirus — what to know and how to help others
Mother’s Day isn’t the only emotional minefield of a holiday if you’ve lost a parent; there’s also Father’s Day coming up next month, as well as Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah to consider. If you’re a mom who’s lost a child, or a woman who can’t conceive, this weekend can also trigger a tsunami of sadness.
Since completely avoiding these holidays is impossible, grief counselors suggest meeting them head-on in a way that feels comfortable to you and to your family.
“The discomfort and the sadness is going to stay, because you miss her. But you can counteract that physical loss by giving her presence, even if you can’t give her presents,” Allison Gilbert, grief expert and author of “Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive,” told MarketWatch.
“Incorporate her into the day, because she’s still your mom, and your relationship is still important to you,” she explained. “Take a beat to look at photographs. Email or call someone to talk about her. Put up a Facebook post remembering her. Or even just say her name out loud. It’s more validating and restorative than you realize.”
The author (c.) between sister, Chelsea, and her mother, Lydia.
Sue Carter, a counselor and therapist from Kara Grief Support for Children and Adults, suggests doing something your mom liked to do, like eating her favorite food or spending some time thinking about her.
So over the past couple of years, my family has returned to the beach where we made so many happy memories sipping Yoo-hoo, eating bagels and swimming out as far as we could before my mom would yell at us to stop tempting the riptides. While that kind of trip is out-of-bounds as we practice social distancing this year, my brothers, sister and I will toast her over a video call with Baileys Irish Cream, one of her favorite adult beverages. We’ll play her favorite songs by Wilco and The Shins, and swap stories about her. And I’ll probably take a walk in the nearby park at some point to clear my head.
Buckley might still go to the beach with her husband and kids on Mother’s Day — if it’s not too crowded to keep six feet away from others. Rosekelly once got a tattoo of forget-me-not flowers to honor her mom. This year, she plans to make a cup of tea, sit with a framed picture of her mother, and “catch her up” — the way they used to get together when Rosekelly would come home to visit.
Both of them also strongly recommend chatting with other people living through this — which we can still do over Google GOOG, +2.07% Hangouts, Zoom ZM, +6.32% and other videoconferencing apps, not to mention a good old-fashioned phone call.
“You are not alone,” Rosekelly said. “There is a large but silent sisterhood (and brotherhood) out there.”
This article was originally published in 2017 and has been updated in light of the COVID-19 pandemic.
